Entry No. 3 — The First Ultimatum
Song of the Day: AVAILABLE FOR ME by Hailey Knox
Today I showered because my ears were hot.
I’ll back up exactly one paragraph:
Today, I sat next to the woman I am convinced is probably the person I most admire in this life, and spent $109 on an ISBN for a book I am afraid to release. It is a compilation of eight years of work, but the catch is that I’ve just graduated high school. Eight years of poetry doesn’t mean a damn thing for a girl who isn’t even legally allowed to drink yet. So, I purchased the ISBN on a whim – on the basis that if I can’t financially commit to releasing my book, how am I possibly going to convince other people to sell it? This $109 is the first step of two. All I have left to cash in is $200 for the copyright, and I will be legally allowed to self publish before I hit adulthood.
Now, this sounds like great news. In reality I’m freaking the fuck out. Why, you ask? Well, writing’s the dream. The passion and whatnot. But I’ve just committed to four years at college to study Interior Architecture.
…Yeah. Architecture. That’s the stuff.
Everyone does change their major in school, but that’s not exactly what I’m looking for. I want a career in writing, a reliable one, or an office job. No in-betweens.
So I get home after making the $109 deposit for my ISBN and I stew in my room a bit. A writing career is, frankly, probably all I aspire to be successful in. Love isn’t really…something I’m anticipating. I mean, I have hobbies outside of watching TV and analyzing the script. I draw a little, I sing, but staring at a page and giving a stranger a reason to turn it is what gets me. And realizing this, realizing I’ve committed to Interior Architecture just for stability…well, it gets my ears hot. I find myself pacing and pacing and flop onto my bed to cool off, but nothing works. After a few minutes the noise clears. My ears are still burning and my chest is still fighting oxygen like my pollen allergy is actually real. And I’ve decided. The parameters are set.
I make a profitable writing career, I quit Interior Architecture.
